The first time I was made aware of my size as being something less than desirable was in Jr. High. Yes, I’ve been a Big Girl all my life. It was never an issue though until I overheard a family member talking about my weight. I was twelve and while I don’t remember the exact number on the scale, I do remember I was wearing women’s pants. I believe I was in a size eleven or twelve. I couldn’t shop in the young girls section anymore, but I didn’t know that was a “bad” thing. My mom kept me ignorant from that reality.
Anyways, so my family member said that I was fat. Straight to the rest of my family. Blunt, cold, but honest. I was not suppose to hear it. I was suppose to be with the other kids, but I didn’t not hanging out with my cousins. I liked being with the adults…at least I did until that moment.
I was/am fat. While that is not the kindest word in the world, it is the truth. I carry an excess amount of fat all over my body. Most tends to find its home in my midsection. Before that moment though, my size didn’t matter. Not to me, or to the rest of the world. It wasn’t until someone I loved called me fat, and meant it in a bad way, did the world seem to care that I was in fact fat. Now it wasn’t the world that cared, it was me. That comment was a shot to my confidence, a shot to my innocence. The moment that realization hit me, was the moment the door was opened for people to make fun of me and for me to cry.
I wasn’t confident anymore. I began hiding my body in large sweaters that made me look huge. I begin eating more because food was comforting. And I grew, and I made bullies.
A kid in my class, a kid I had gone to school with since kindergarten, who never paid me any attention before began following me and snorting like a pig. Calling me fat, saying I could crush people if I sat on them. I let those words inside me, and let them hurt. My friends at the time beat that kid up for me. I appreciated them for it, but it didn’t make him stop.
I was in Jr. High when Myspace and Aim became all the rage and everyone had one. My bullies found my Myspace and emailed me terrible things abut my body. I read them and deleted them getting rid of any evidence. I wish I hadn’t deleted those emails, but instead reported them, but when I was in Jr. High cyber bullying wasn’t a discussed issue. Bullying in general wasn’t a discussed issue, and if it was I didn’t know about it. I kept this all hidden until now.
I let someone calling me fat destroy me, and open me up to bullies. Bullies pick weak targets, and I was weakened by a word. F-A-T. Three letters, that in the grand scheme of the life hold zero meaning. I wish my 24 year old self could go back to the moment I heard my family member call me fat and prevent my innocent self from hearing it. Maybe things would be different.
But at the same time, it was a good thing I heard that. I went through a lot of pain, and I was weakened for a long time by that pain, but eventually I found my strength. The strength to write about it. I still have weak moments, I still struggle. I am hyper-aware of my size, and I am working on that. I am working on a lot of things that have to do with my size. I am a Big Girl, with Big Girl issues.