Big people are often portrayed as over-eatting, lazy, gluttonous swine. Be it on television, online, or on any other platform that is just how we are painted. Food is always nearby the big person: eating, cooking, talking, or thinking about it. And while I do not consider myself lazy, my career won’t allow me to be, I do partake in the over-eatting, but I am not swine.
Like I talked about in my last post, food is a comfort to me. When bad things happen, when I had a bad day at work, or with family, or friend drama, the first thing I think about is getting something large, greasy, savory, sweet and soothing in my mouth. That is a terrible way to respond to “bad.” As I write this, I currently have a distended stomach that hurts to touch because I just ate an Army’s worth of mash potatoes. I had a bad day at work. Honestly, I have just been having a bad few months. The people I would normally talk to wouldn’t understand, and lately I have just felt like they wouldn’t care (other issues I am currently dealing with). And so I have found myself sinking deeper into this need to always be eating. What’s funny is that despite the fact I think eating will make me feel better, it always makes me feel worse because now not only has my day sucked, but I’ve surely gained mashed potato weight, and I spent money I did not need to spend buying those mashed potatoes. I know all of this, and yet I still go through this vicious cycle. Sad so I eat, sad that I ate, and then I eat some more. It is disgusting and I am ashamed that I do it. I am embarrassed I do it. I hate myself when I do it.
People say that fat people love food. I do not love food. I don’t like what it makes me look like or how I feel when I snarf it down. I know I need to change my relationship with food. One day when I can afford it, I will go to therapy and figure out my issues.
But for now I will type my thoughts and feelings and share them with strangers on the internet!