I use to be afraid men would not like me because I am big. Now I fear that men only like me because I am a Big Girl. How the tables have turned.

Did you know fat fetishes were a thing? I didn’t, and the way I discovered this fetish is well… for lack of a better word- entertaining.

During my freshman and sophomore year of college I had a major crush on this guy who was always in my classes. We had the same major, so we basically followed each other to class. Very sweet, funny, tall guy and I swooned over him. And to my surprise he seemed to be flirting with me. He would walk me to my car, we exchanged numbers, we talked daily, but that was it. That was the extent of us. Eventually we both transferred to separate four year colleges, and we lost contact. We still followed each other on social media though, and occasionally he would show up in my feed doing something cool. I never liked his stuff, nor he mine. Thats just how it went for the next three years.

Then I had an accident that left me needing surgery. I was basically couch ridden for 6 months, and in that time I spent a lot of time online. I started posting pictures on Instagram out of boredom. I did one of those “picture a day” challenges. Well apparently this caught his attention and I noticed him liking my pictures. New, but nothing I thought too hard about. Then one day I got a notification from the dating site I was on (yes, I partake in the trendy, weird world of online dating). My college crush found my online profile. I waited a few days to view his, and when I did the first line I read was, “I like bigger women.” Keep in mind this is before I knew there were fat fetishes. I remember thinking “Wow! I am a Big Girl. He will find my balloon belly beautiful!” That was the extent of it for about a week. Him liking what I was posting and I starting to like his stuff as well. Then  I had my surgery, and two days later I received a message from him on Instagram. It was casual. Greetings, catching up, etc… We exchanged numbers and he began to text me.

This was all fine and dandy, but I notice the conversations always lead to us talking about food. Specifically me eating food. It never got to the point of it being sexual, thank the stars, but he was obsessed with getting me to talk about food, or him taking me to get food. Me being bed ridden, bored, high on pain killers, I decided to investigate his social media to see if food is something he works with or just any kind of explanation for his food obsession.

Finding nothing on his profiles that would indicate his food lifestyle, I went to look at those he followed expecting to find those foodie Instagram profiles. Nope. I discovered that he followed large women’s Instagram profiles. He liked Big Girls alright. The kind who posed half naked shoving burgers in their mouths. While that is all fine and more power to them, this opened up a huge door for me. I dove deep into their profiles, finding their websites, and wish lists. I discovered these women would eat food for those who paid them to. This was how they made their living, and it was fascinating. I discovered terms like “feedies” and “feeders.” Some women were “gainers,” which means they document their weight gain and purposefully try to gain insane amounts of weight for other people’s pleasure.

I do not know if my college crush ever participated in anything more then looking at these women’s Instagram profiles. I was never brave enough to ask. He doesn’t know that I know, and I still went on a couple of dates with him. If that is what he is into, then kudos for him. We are all into something. I will never be his “feedie” or “gainer.” Hell, I am trying to be a “loser.”

We went on a couple of dates were nothing happened, and then we stopped talking regularly. I couldn’t get past his secret. The sweet guy who walked me to my car didn’t exist anymore. He changed in more ways then what was just described. Or maybe that is how he always was, and my naive mind didn’t realize it back in our college days. I have a tendency to romanticize people.

I still text him when I am drunk, however.

Drunk me tries so hard to work up the courage to ask him about it. I don’t think I ever will though. I don’t want to out him, or cause him any kind of… awkwardness…I don’t know…

But this lead me to being aware of how often fat people are sexualized now. Even on this blog site. If you type in “BBW” into the search engine and scroll a bit, you find sexual stuff.

So now I fear not being rejected for being a Big Girl, but for only being liked because my arms jiggle, my thighs touch, my belly protrudes, and my chin has a twin.

It is weird how our world can change with just one little insight into another person’s life.



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