Big Girls and rollercoasters don’t mix… but that is not what this post is about. At least not literally.
My life the last few weeks has been a rollercoaster of a few ups, but more downs then I can at this time count.
A lot of bad news has hit me all at once. I feel like I have been constantly punched in the face and stomach, but most importantly in my heart. It has become harder and harder for me to not cry. I hate crying in front of people.
I feel like I am losing more and more important people in my life to life, ironically.
The realization that my best friends are all in the process of getting married and beginning their new lives as wives and husbands, while I am still painfully single, and finding myself alone more now than I have ever been.
Finally gathering the courage to send in my writing to an online magazine and being rejected without a reason why.
Failing a test that would lead me to my career…again…
Finding out that my career choice is on a decline and chances of getting hired are slim and overly competitive for the first time since the 80’s.
On top of that I have been incredibly sick with something I can’t seem to shake. Stress is not helping my case.
I find myself feeling like a disappointment. I am disappointed in myself and I feel like I am disappointing those around me. My heart literally hurts. My throat is sore from crying.
I miss someone I should not be missing…
And for once in my life, I don’t want to eat to find comfort. My mental and emotional state is past the point of cookies solving my problems. I need actual help, but I can’t afford it, nor do I want to ask my family for help out of fear of further disappointing them. I have always been the “good” child. The one who was independent and never needed help or caused trouble. I have never borrowed money, nor caused my parents to worry about my future. I am not the kid they worry about, and so I am often left alone to fend for myself, while they focus on my siblings who do need help. This pressure has taken its toll on my lately.
So now I find myself in bed writing this post to complete strangers in hopes they understand, or maybe you won’t understand, but know that writing this has helped me. Writing and reading cheesy quotes has always helped me…even in the darkest of hours.
I am still a Big Girl, but I am feeling pretty small right now…