I know it has been a while since my last post. The month of April has been insane. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.
My best friend got married. The wedding was beautiful. They are a happy, lovely couple with the promise of a happy future ahead. However, their wedding taught me many things about life and about myself.
- I am not over an emotional pain I have not experienced since my freshman year of college.
- My relationships have changed with people and it irrationally hurts.
Let’s start with the first as it pertains more with the theme of my blog and all things Big. I’ll address the second in a different post.
The reality of my life is that I am not the girl people see and instantly find attractive. People see my round belly, and double chin and that is all until we get a chance to talk. I am the Big Girl a person needs to get to know in order to develop feelings for me. I am simultaneously ok and hurt by this concept, but nevertheless it is true and I have accepted it. Well at least I thought I had.
The groom’s brother is hot. I do not usually like to call people hot, but that is exactly how you would describe this guy. Holy damn hot. Instantly make you excited, hot! I made this known to my girlfriends. But alas, that meant nothing.
We all went out the night before the wedding. We found a super-dive bar in the middle of no where that had last call at 9:30 pm. Everyone drank, but me. I was driving. And it was at this dive bar where the blow to my heart and stomach happened.
When I was younger, every guy I liked seemed to only like my friends, and not me. My friends, despite knowing my feelings, flirted back with those guys and would nine times out of ten hook up with them. I would rationalize the situation by telling myself that those guys did not belong to me. I could not be mad at the situation because that would be irrational. EMOTIONS ARE NOT RATIONAL! Looking back now, my friends should not have hooked up with those guys. Based on principle, girl code, common sense, or whatever else you want to call it. And I should have been more secure and less like a mouse and told them how I truly felt. I never did because I was terrified that I would lose my friends. Over the years I have sacrificed so much of my emotional well-being at the sake of sparing other people’s feelings. If I could go back, I would tell younger me to grow some balls and tell my friends how I actually felt. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such an emotional mess as an adult. Maybe then I would trust and believe the guys that claimed to find me attractive. Maybe then I would not fear bring guys over to meet my friends just in case the guy decided my friends were prettier. Yea… I have issues… But don’t we all?
Stuff like that hasn’t happened since my early years of college. I stopped dating guys my friends would find attractive, and then well… I just stopped dating. But then, the night before the wedding, all of those painful, adolescent insecurities reared their ugly heads.
I watched my friends flirt with him. I watched him flirt with them. I went outside and took some deep breaths in the freezing cold. I rationalized that he is not my guy and I shouldn’t be mad… my feelings were irrational…
I cried in the shower that night. Sobbed.
I was 18 again.